Car Toys

Car Toys
13720 E Mississippi Ave
Aurora, CO 80012 
3/24/2009 

Alright so time for the good, this chain does carry some great brands, Alpine, Kenwood, uhhh and it pretty much ends there.
Now for the bad, I called to get a quote on what the installation fee would be on a CD player for a car I just purchased.  They told me that it could be anywhere from $30-$120 but the tech really needed to see the vehicle in order to give me an accurate quote.  No big deal right, of course not, I appreciate someone being honest with me instead of doing the smoke and mirrors routine.  Upon arriving to their store, a guy by the name of Mike introduced himself to me and asked how he could help.  Besides his used car salesman like appearance, and overwhelming scent of Drakaar Noir (or however the shit you spell that cologne's name) he was geared up to help me out.  Upon tracking down an install technician, the three of us walked out to my car so they could give me an accurate estimate.  The shop tech and Mike started talking back and forth about how "difficult these cars are to do installs on" They were really laying their act on thick, and it was a piss poor effort at best.  The shop tech let me know that he wouldn't be able to keep the factory wood trim on and would have to remove it.  Besides the fact they told me that they would essentially destroy the dash of my car leaving a huge gap where the wood trim would have been, but it would "only cost me $215 in parts and labor." Best part is he said it in that excited Billy Mays voice from the T.V. infomercials.  "Don't just get it clean, get it Oxy Clean!" Don't just grab it, GoPher it!"  Then he started rambling on about all these "special installation techniques" he would have to use because my car has an internal amplifier and so on .  Keep in mind, if your car comes with an internal amplifier and your stock speakers still sound really good, DO NOT BYPASS THE AMP.  That amp was placed there so you "the owner" could enjoy the best sound possible that your amp and speakers can provide.  All you need to do, or any install tech should do, is run a filter to your amplifier.  Upon doing this, your car will sound really damn excellent.  According to this douche muffin of an "install tech"  he said "If you don't bypass the amp, your car will sound like shit. I used to have a 2002 BMW 5 series and it sounded like crap when I tried to filter it and run it through the amp."  Wrong, that is an install tech being lazy and not wanting to run wires to the amp, from your CD player.
In conclusion their $215 install cost and the $200 CD player I wanted to purchase was an extraordinary rip off.
Instead, I went to Ebay and bought a CD player, "same one Car Toys was selling, but for $60 less" Then I bought the wire harnesses and mounting brackets from (I'm sad to say Wal-Mart) for $28 and installed the deck myself in about an hour and a half.  So minus the cost of the 2 beers I drank while doing the install, I saved around $240.  Oh, and my car still looks factory, and sounds great, so thanks for offering to tear off the wood trim in my new vehicle Car Toy's.
Good luck Car Toy's, I'm sure with business practices such as yours you will soon run your organization into the ground.

Pho 99

Pho 99
1080 S Havana St
Aurora, CO 80012 

3/25/2009

Well rhinestones, horseshoes, and stars, the chefs at this place deserve free drinks at the bar.
Everything I had here was really fresh, the vegetables, noodles, and dare I say, meat.
I love soup, I love making it, the smell of it simmering, and most importantly eating it. While yes, like a lot of tasty food their soup is packed full of MSG. Frankly though, MSG makes just about everything taste better.
I first found out about the magical type of soup called "Pho" when I was sixteen and borderline needing to wear a helmet partied out in Portland. I'll be damned if it  wasn't excellent then and it's still the only food I've found that lives up to the statement "it contains the whole kitchen sink."
It's great soup because it allows you ability to customize your food, without having to order it from someone wearing a visor. You can get some pretty unique things put in your soup here from tendons, fresh basil, jalapenos, a shit ton of MSG, fat slices, and monkey paws. Alright, so you can't get monkey paws, but you can get just about anything else in your soup. Point is, you can keep your food as tame or as exciting as you want.
If  you had only $5 and a choice between a God awful generic Sub, with ultra bland water infused cold cuts, or a bowl of Pho with a lot of fresh vegetables and noodles, what would you pick? Well while you ponder that, I'm gonna pick the one that wasn't hand molested by a disgruntled and underpaid Subway employee.
Go ahead and be all high and mighty and look down on those of us who enjoy the hell out of MSG. However, the next time you eat a bag of Doritos why don't you take a look at that ingredient list on the back, while your licking the chip dust off your fingers.
Finally, for those of you who give little restaurants like this a bad review because "Like one time, I went there and they didn't have the same item I order every time, so I will never eat there again!" I order you, to nut up! Try living outside your normal routine, especially if you have contributed to cleaning a restaurant out of a popular item. How's about ordering something different, and don't be a pillow biter by slamming a restaurant for one unfortunate incident.

Thanks for the tasty soup tonight Pho 79, "May all your battles be fought with Tiger like reflexes."

By the way, I love Doritos, support our economy and eat a bag yourself.

Global Career Management

 Global Career Management
1675 Broadway
Denver, CO 80202

Recently I decided to quit my job as a sales manager/headhunter with Robert Half International.  I'm a firm believer that if you no longer like the company you are working for or are unhappy, it's time to quit.
Upon submitting my two weeks' notice, I posted my resume on CareerBuilder.  Having worked in the headhunting/recruiting field for the past two years I know that a lot of opportunities can sprout up from this simple action.  The majority of the candidates I placed with my clients during my time with Robert Half were found via CareerBuilder.  Hands down the most enjoyable part about my job at Robert Half was helping my clients find the perfect candidate for a position they had open in their company.  If I did my job properly that meant the client, candidate, and I all had a smile on our face at the end of the deal.  The end result was usually the same, I helped save my client time and money, and I helped find someone a great job that fit into the scope of what they were looking for.
 While I know the intro to this review was long the reason for it should make sense in a moment.  Shortly after posting my resume on CareerBuilder, I received a phone call from Steve Brown the Vice President at GCM.  He began drilling me with questions like "Are you REALLY serious about your career search" and "Would you like to work with a company that will help you in your future salary negotiations?"  While we were on the phone I looked online for some reviews and info on GCM.  Around the time I realized that I was speaking with a scam artist I asked him some questions of my own.  I asked him if GCM is candidate or client paid organization, and either way how does GCM determine their markup. (Side note, a headhunter's markup is almost always based off this simple but overpriced formula. The client is charged 1% per $1000 of the candidate's yearly salary up to 30%)   GCM is paid via the candidates (Warning, to any of you looking to do business with a headhunter or recruiter, make sure they bill the client and not yourself)   Steve proceeded to explain to me that his firm specializes in career counseling and helping candidates come up with business plans.
The GCM business professional's a.k.a. (overpaid high school guidance counselors) offer to help you build your resume and review practice questions prior to an interview.  Unlike a headhunter, they do not offer to sell you to clients; all they offer is career counseling. They offered me these services for the small price of $5500 for a five month contract or $15000 for a year long contract of their "career assistance."
 These folks offer to help you write your resume and prepare for interviews you find yourself, for a price that has a comma in it!  Hey, here is an idea, use the internet or buy a book for around $10                       (I recommend First Year in Sales) that will arm you with better tools than what this organization offers.
If any of you decide to work with a headhunter make sure they bill the client for services rendered and not yourself.   Also, ask how many companies they have in their database that might be a good fit for your background.  Trust me when I say that that any honest headhunter or staffing manager will answer accordingly. Every reputable headhunting agency whether it be Aerotek, Spherion, or Robert Half abide by the principal that the client should pay for the headhunting service, not the candidate.
Good luck GCM, I'm sorry you weren't able to con me out of $5500.  Please, for the sake of the tax payers, who you will surely be asking for a bailout shortly, learn how to do business the right way. It's scamers like this that make white people look bad.
Cheers!

Charles Schwab

Charles Schwab
 201 Columbine St
Denver, CO 80206

10/7/2009

First to Review

 

Immediately after visiting this place I wanted to phone the ghost of Billy Mayes in order to help the ass-clowns employed at this place; learn a thing or two about the art of being awesome.  I believe that the staff here was trained by the Shamwow guy; and the focus of the course was to learn how to beat up hookers and be a dick.  Much like everyone else who had some of their savings invested in the market in 2008, it was a sad bastard time for almost every stock you had in your portfolio.   Recently I was lucky enough to turn a profit on some stocks purchased so I put in a sell order and requested to pick up a live check at this office.
I should confess, I have had great luck with all of my previous dealings with Charles Schwab.  Their customer service reps have been nothing short of incredible, the personable people I have dealt with via phone calls commands respect, and their transaction costs are extremely reasonable.  After two visits at this location I give it a big thumbs down.  Charles Schwab is a great organization, however walking into this branch the past two times has been much like walking into a chest shaving competition, hosted by some reject Abercrombie models.  I wish the "financial planners" at this location ill.  As for the rest of the underappreciated staff at Charles Schwab, I give you a huge thumbs up, stay awesome.

Barolo Grill

 Barolo Grill
3030 E 6th Ave
Denver, CO 80206

Denverit's, I'm not feeling this place, much like a chronic masturbator who recently mistook their lotion supply for  a bottle of Novocain, very little pleasure has been experienced here.  I should first cover a few topics to clarify my reasoning behind the low rating of this establishment.  I have eaten at Barolo Grill twice and most recently I was here on November 4th, 2009.  My first visit was slightly disappointing and much like an abused housewife who is a slow learner I made the mistake of giving this place a second chance.  
I recognize that for many food enthusiasts it has been ingrained in our heads that that the more money you spend at a restaurant equals a more erotic experience for ones taste buds.  For the most part there is a lot of truth to this equation.  However, I would strongly hope that there are better Italian restaurants than this one in Colorado.
Like all fine dining restaurants their wine list is incredibly overpriced, so my complaints do not stem from sticker shock. My discrepancies about this place are simple, weak flavor for the price, poor ambience, and an over usage of salt.  Mind you I love salt, far more than a seemingly healthy individual should.  Thanks to my addiction to salt I have been shot three times for enjoying a salt lick placed in the wilderness by an untalented hunter.  "Note to self, wear more Orange when Elk/mushroom hunting.
I have ordered from the A La Carte menu and tried their "five course chefs tasting menu" and have been disappointed with both.  
My advice Yelper's, try some other Italian restaurants in Colorado and see if you can find a place that appeases your taste buds.  It sounds awful but I have had much better Italian food in Utah, ridiculous sounding but true.  For a state/city (Denver, CO) that was heavily inhabited by Germans and Italians during the 1800's, I strongly believe that there has got to be some better Italian food out here.

Chuck' Meats

Chuck's Meats
5425 S 11500
Arcadia, UT 84021 

I had the great fortune of picking up an Elk tag in Utah this year and thanks to my countless hours of training on Nintendo's tactical hunting training game; a.k.a."Duck Hunt" I filled my tag on opening morning. Year after year one can get tired of eating Elk, Deer, Caribou, steaks and roasts, so this season I decided to mix things up.
The nearest town to where I was hunting at is Dutch John, UT and based on the locals recommendations for meat processing, I was informed Chuck's Meats is the place to go. Mind you Dutch John is a very small town full of hunters so the unanimous praises of Chuck's Meats was a solid sign that this was the place to take the Elk I eventually picked up.
After skinning and cutting off the choice pieces of meat, my Dad and I took the remainder of my Elk to Chuck's.
Just in case you didn't get your fix of "Having the Be Jesus scared out of you" during the Gypsy like haunted house Halloween rush, I recommend you swing by this place. Several times I have had the fortune or misfortune of using meat processing facilities and this one was more memorable than most. I should clarify that the outside of this place will scare the shit out of anyone not named Jason Voorhees. First of all it is out in the middle of nowhere, really it is and it makes scenes from the movie Deliverance look like a metropolis. Had it not been for Carl's (one of the locals who recommended this place) hand drawn map, my Pops and I would have never found it. Upon finding Chuck's Meats we backed into the drop off point to deliver the goods.
The large cold metal door that protects the outside world from the sights of a slaughter house was surrounded by garbage cans filled with skulls, rotting bones, hides, and discarded animal parts. My words will not do the sights or smells of this scene justice. For the most part I find my stomach to be nearly bulletproof; except for dog pooh that is my exception. However, the sight of this albeit necessary but frightening crime scene was the moment we encountered some of Chuck's employee's. With their butcher aprons, galoshes, gloves covered in blood and fillet knives strapped to their sides they approached my father and I. It seemed that at this moment my Dad and I were nothing more than potential future sausages.
Instead of hearing an expected opening statement spoken with a mouth full of chewing tobacco like "Ya'll ain't from around these parts is ya?" the owners son in law greeted us with friendly conversation and a personable attitude.
From my experience, Chuck's is almost as good as it gets. They made a portion of my Elk into Summer Sausage at no extra cost and I have to say, it's the best I Summer Sausage I have tasted in my life. The remainder was turned into a few roasts, hamburger, and Italian Sausages. Elk can be on the south side of gamey if cured poorly, but this place did top shelf work handling my meat. (Gross I know but it needed to be said) Even if you provide positive feedback about the quality of their processing and seasoning abilities I would make sure to keep a mindful tongue when visiting this place. There are miles of open space surrounding Chuck's Meats that would make a fine shallow grave for said smart mouthed individual.
Yeah, this place was that kind of scary, but well worth the risk.

Stay Awesome Chuck's!

Best Buy

Best Buy

13801 E Mississippi Avenue
Aurora, CO 80012 

 

5/1/2010

First to Review

While I recognize that writing a review of a large chain such as Best Buy, Target, or Wal-Mart is about as useful as saying "No" to a rapist, I feel this posting is warranted.  Having previously owned a small retail shop I can appreciate the frustrations of both the owners who are tasked with finding quality employees, along with the feelings of annoyance every customer service employee deals with on a daily basis.
Let's face it customer service is not the easiest gig in the world, much like working as a baby seal clubber, I can imagine some nights it can be difficult to clear your thoughts before partaking in a restful night's sleep.
The driving force for this negative review has nothing to do with Best Buy's  prices, selection, or return policy, it simply boils down to the quality of the employees that suckle from the corporate teat of this particular Best Buy.  On many occasions I have had the great misfortune of dealing with some of the customer service reps at this location.  For the most part my love of instant gratification and prior product knowledge allows me to complete most purchases without having to deal with salespeople.  During my past few visits at this particular Best Buy I have had to seek counsel when searching for a particular cord or adapter.  My simplistic questions seemed to have inconvenienced the individuals who initially asked "Can I help you find something?"  Besides being greeted with an attitude that offered the same comfort as steel wool being rubbed against my tender squishy bits; I was also presented with false information.

The combination of seeing employees here take their job for granted as they wander through the store while sending text messages, talking poorly about customers the moment that they are no longer within ear shot, plus providing incorrect information on several occasions has led me to believe this locations employees suck the salt malt from the meat straw.
I embrace and don't mind honesty, if an employee simply says "I'm not sure" that is something I can respect.  However, stating that a certain cable or product doesn't exist, when it is apparently available at stores such as Target or Radio Shack does disgruntle me a bit.  What I do find most disturbing about the reps I have dealt with at this store, given our current economy; employees working in the customer service roll that speak so negatively about customers who are seeking their knowledge.  On two separate occasions I have been witness to employees mocking and speaking racial remarks about a potential customer's question the moment he or she was out of gossip range.
F-minus to the employees at this Best Buy, admittedly most of the customers you deal with on a day to day basis do not possess the technological wisdom you personally have harnessed; but that minor detail is no excuse for such poor behavior.

Jon Pens Law Office

 Jon Pens Law Office
11160 Huron St
Northglenn, CO 80234

If you are in need of legal assistance in regards to collecting a debt owed to you, may I advise you to seek help anywhere besides this particular law office.  In fact, you would probably be better off hiring your paperboy or the little kid down the street who you constantly have to ask "please stop eating my decorative landscaping bark."
Due to the negligence and illegal practices this office engaged in when attempting to collect a debt on my behalf , a counter claim has now been filed by the party who owed a debt to me against John Penn's Law office.  Essentially I'm now right back where I was prior to acquiring their "service" months ago.  John Penn stated to me that they cannot pay me the amount owed because they never collected the debt and fee which was to be paid by the defendant for said services.
Do yourself a favor, if you have any interest in collecting a debt owed to you, avoid this office.  I'm sure glad they are supporting our economy by hiring University of Phoenix students; however the business agreement I entered into with John Pens office has caused me to forfeit a substantial amount of money.  Also, judging by how the defendant in my case was able to file a claim against their office for illegal practices, if you yourself have been contacted by this "Fisher Price" of law offices, there is a good chance they have also engaged in illegal practices in the methods they have used to contact you, so you may also be able to jump on the bandwagon in filling a case against them as well.

Toadz

Toadz
432 N 100 W
Cedar City, UT 84721 

If you are looking to tie off a good buzz in Cedar City, UT your options are limited to say the least.  For those of you who are not familiar with lack of separation between church and state in Utah, I would like to enlighten you.  If you are planning on acquiring a bottle of adult beverage goodness, you'll want to find your way to one of the few state run liquor stores before 7 o'clock.  Now as for places to sit down and have a glass of the ol' Loudmouth Soup, your choices are limited between one of two bars in town.  Based off recommendations from the locals, I was told the establishment known as Toadz was a solid bet.  Upon entering this "bar" I noticed a sign on the door stating "Ladies Night"; "oh snaperjacks, look out fine women of Cedar City. "
Seconds later when my eyes had taken in all of the sights at Toadz, that sign from the door jumped back into my head, "Ladies Night."  Based on the patrons, it seemed less like what the door really meant to advertise was more like a Squirrel Attack Survivors Support Group Meeting.  Essentially, it was nothing short of a sad bastard crowd.  Albeit, Toadz does have some very sociable and friendly wait staff. However, with the cost and portions offered in Utah bars, I feel that there is nothing that could make things not seem like exactly what they are.

Pizza Factory

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

Taste of Punjab

 Taste of Punjab
1241 E 8600 S
Sandy, UT 84094

Based on some of the poor reviews provided by tards on Yelp, I believe that I might be able to shed some light on previous negative comments.  When in Utah one is limited to the options while attempting to partake in adult beverage consumption or enjoying a phantasmically seasoned dish of ethnic food, no surprise there.  For some of the prior negative statements referencing the follies of Taste of Punjab and their lack of "Vegetarian" options, let's clarify something.  This restaurant offers a menu that coincides with the culinary tastes of the northern region of India, cities such as Punjab, Rajasthan, and Meerut.  As opposed to southern Indian cities who's diet is primarily focused around grains, coconut, and vegetables which is much more in tune with a vegetarian diet.  So if one is so inclined to enjoy a vegetarian version of tactfully seasoned Indian food that offers a menu which is more appeasing to a vegetarian diet I would recommend visiting restaurants whose founders have migrated or created their menu from the influences  of  southern Indian regions like Bengaluru, Karnataka, Mysore, or Tamil Nadu.
So why the long winded explanation prior to delving into the "meat" of this review?  Well it's pretty simple really.  Many years ago my father passed on some wise words that go as such, "when in beef country, order beef, when in seafood country, order seafood."  Pretty simple equation, enjoy and appreciate what the restaurant and region you are in offers as a specialty and you will have no encounters of unnecessary disappointment.
I' am willing to bet you all the beer in Colorado that you will not be disappointed when ordering either the Chicken Tikka Masala, Chicken Tikka Saag, or Lamb Curry.  When you combo any of these dishes with some Naan (that I must say is nothing short of top shelf here) , and an appetizer of Papadum to gently coax your taste buds with the imperceptible path you  have selected for the evening will most certainly result in a leg shaking food orgasm.
Instead of ruining the surprise of what each dish and entrée contains I will instead leave you the reader with this nugget of knowledge.  I have been fortunate enough to travel extensively thorough the years and I must say that Taste of Punjab offers a remarkably tasteful menu.  If you find yourself receiving poor service from this establishment, well I would be willing to wager that it wouldn't be hard to build a case proving you are a dickhole.  During the past several visits I have made to Utah, this restaurant has been included in the "must see" category and I haven't been able to find anything worth complaining about.  Their curries are thick, texturally enticing, incredibly well seasoned, and assuming you are not residing on the arrogant side of life, the staff is attentive, friendly, and are very receptive when it comes to the level of spiciness your palate is able to endure.

Murray BMW of Denver

Murray BMW of Denver
 4320 E Kentucky Ave
Glendale, CO 80246

Owning a foreign vehicle can easily be compared to Shark Week, enthralling, beautiful, inspiring one to press the envelope in order to satisfy the urge of an adrenaline rush, but most importantly when shit goes really wrong, the fear splatters on the canvas and paints an ugly picture stocked full of worst case scenarios.
Plain and simply I have had two very positive encounters with Vance and the parts department at Murray Motor Imports.  Regardless if I'm driving a rusted out 1973 El Camino or a new M5, I will always enjoy the challenge of repairing my own car and the issues which will most certainly ensue from said decisions.
Each time I have purchased parts from Vance and the crew at Murray Motor Imports I have been nothing short of impressed with the quality of people and service this dealership provides.
A+ material, great folks to work with, excellent service, and choosing to deal with their location only once, is like believing Inception is only worth watching one time.

Moose's Saloon

 Moose's Saloon
173 N Main St
Kalispell, MT 59901

Kalispell, a city which I will always feel fortunate to call home, mainly because of its surroundings, lack of Lunchboxes Per Capita, and people.  Although by no means was I, or ever will I be considered a Montucky native, this town will always have a special place in my heart.
The spot known as Moose's is one of the greatest indoor sites I have encountered during my six year tour of Montana.  The combination of its nostalgia, people, picture perfect staff, quality of food, and service provided, is flat out five miles past ridiculous.  I know it is hard for a reader to believe that there is good Pizza outside of Italy, New York, and Chicago; but the slices here at Moose's will not disappoint.  Hell, if it does, put it on my tab;  then go find the best pinecone the beautiful forests that surround Kalispell provides, and shove it, way up your butt "the non-nice way" (assuming there is one.)
Over the years, I have never had one bad experience at Moose's.  Regardless if I'm with family, friends, employer's, or just on a solo pizza pickup mission, this place is very admirable.
Thank you Moose's and thank you Kalispell, you're all supreme.

Spinnaker Bar & Grill

Spinnaker Bar & Grill
7210 US Hwy 93
Lakeside, MT 59922

Dear Spinnaker,

I love you more than I love a peanut butter Jelly sandwich packed with chocolate chips, whipped cream, and maple syrup.  From steaks, to sandwiches, drinks, and ownership; the Spinnaker is what every restaurant wishes it could be.   The Spinnaker is packed full of unique characters, strong drinks, and a plethora of temptations ranging from food, drinks, and gambling.
This is my favorite place in Montana hands down, (besides snowboarding at Glacier National Park, in the middle of the summer season?  Yup.)

Big City Burrito

Big City Burrito
3105 S Peoria St
Aurora, CO 80014

A visit to Big City Burrito is a lot like playing Russian Roulette with a starter pistol.  At its worst, it won't kill you, but it might hurt a little and make you disappointed with your decision making skills.  This place is a solid coin toss, and comprable to playing the lottery.  During several visits, I have lost, and as a result I returned to the office with a bowl of soup wrapped in a tortilla.
However, I have had a plethora of other visits that have provided me with a burrito packed full of fresh ingredients, tender slow cooked pork, a green salsa that would make you swear that you were in Mexico, enjoying an authentic meal, the oceans pulse slowing while the seaside sunset teases you with an opportunity to finally observe the legendary "green flash."  All of this enjoyed while being held captive by the mafia, because you got high before you took out your jet ski.
Anyway, point is, if you don't play the lottery or throw five dollars towards a Big City Burrito, you will never know if you're a winner.  Give it a try, and to help your odds, I recommend ordering your salsa on the side.

Comcast

Comcast
8000 E Iliff Ave
Denver, CO 80231 

If anyone is looking for a business model to follow, I would not recommend trailing in their path.  A combination of internet speeds that are not even close to what is promised, an online bill pay feature that is similar to solving a Rubik's cube while locked inside a model airplane glue factory with poor ventilation, and the rapist like fees they charge for services; which in short equals an awful customer experience.  Sorry Comcast, but I can no longer justify paying $70 a month for internet while you continue spending millions of dollars to ensure me that "Shaq's got my back."

Lucha Libre

 Lucha Libre
1810 W Washington St
San Diego, CA 92110

Upon entering this place I was worried that we had accidentally wandered into a midget snuff porn museum.   Countless pictures of oiled up men, wearing colorful and sparkly rape masks;  along with this frightening enema of fear, they had what appeared to be "acutal" Bedazzled gimp masks nailed across an entire wall.

By some sort of Christmas miracle it turns out we had actually entered the "Lucha Libre" which I later found out, might be the only worthwhile burrito spot worth visiting north of the border.  While at the register I still remained frightened by the décor, noticing my discomfort, the helpful cashier provided me with her recommendation of their world renound Surf and Turf burrito.  Might I say, this burrito, when mixed with their green chili salsa and a Pacifico beer; could probably cure Keebler Elf Aids.  Yup, it is that powerfully delicious.
 Well played Lucha Libre, well played.

Modern Hair Design: Aurora, CO

 Modern Hair Design
10650 E Garden Dr
Aurora, CO 80012

I enjoy paying an exorbitant amount of money for a haircut, almost as much as I appreciate seeing a three legged dog run.  Both activities fill my head with moments of depression, and make me think "I wish there was something I could do that is ether related, to avoid being a part of either of these activities, ever again."  My preference regarding hair maintenance, (of course prior to being a filthy corporate surrender monkey); all year long; let my hair grow, come summertime, shave it all off, and repeat the following year.
 
All that aside, I stumbled onto this place the other day while I was looking for all things, a place to get my hair cut. While sitting in the super shinny barber chair I thought to myself "If I was Cap' N Crunch, who could I sleep with?" I'm absolutely terrible at offering a barber tips as how I would like my hair cut; my typical request is "please cut it a little bit shorter, and don't give me a fohawk or I will beat you with a condom filled with Clam Chowder until the sun sets on your bruised body."

Moving forward, I get to see a Binary Star develop about as frequently as I have enjoyed getting a haircut; however my experience here was ideal.  This place offers a fair price for a haircut, it was over quickly, and nobody at my office made fun of said haircut.  Overall, it was an ideal haircutting situation, that will no doubt, cause me to return again.   Hooray to the small business owners of Modern Hair Design.  I wish you, and your efforts at The American Dream, all the best.

German Car Shoppe

German Car Shoppe
5115 S Santa Fe Dr
Littleton, CO 80120 

A couple months back I made the poor decision to mix Scotch, with a minor engine rebuild.  It is common knowledge, that for best results, you drink beer when getting covered in dirt and oil, while playing the role of a qualified garage monkey.  Unfortunately, as the bottle of Macallan reached its halfway mark, my level of German Automotive repair hit a glass ceiling.
After spending two hours on "the internet machine" searching for tips, or guides which could help me solve the current puzzle before me, I found nothing.  Feeling defeated, I called numerous mechanics, seeking counsel or advice; but I was rewarded with nothing helpful.   By luck of the draw, the last phone call I made was to The German Car Shoppe.  If memory serves me correctly, Rob answered the phone and patiently listened to my dilemma.  Instead of responding to my issue with the fear inspiring rhetoric such as "hmm, doesn't sound good, we can get it towed down here and see if it can be fixed." or "it sounds like you probably need a new engine" Rob took an unexpected approach.  He laughed at my situation, stating that "if you got fifteen minutes, I can tell you how to fix this."  From memory, he walked me through a step which had stumped me for several hours.  As promised, in just under fifteen minutes Rob got me through this Rubik's Cube of a mechanical mystery.
The German Car Shoppe has earned themselves a lifelong fan.  If I ever find myself in a situation where my car is in need of professional help, it will be taken here.

Tacos DF

Tacos DF
2020 S Parker Rd
Denver, CO 80231 

It would be filthy, over-the-air, news released lie to say that Tacos DF has changed my life, but, they do however put together a meal that is worth stabbing a Leprechaun over.  This place does something that not every restaurant is truly brave enough to do.  They keep their menu painstakingly simple and use recipes that let your taste buds know that this was a recipe passed on from previous generations who got it right, and it deserves no modification.  Their salsas, are five miles past ridiculous with flavor, and I can say with 100% sincerity, I've never had anything here that I didn't really like.

Lowe's Denver, CO

 Lowe's
1701 S Havana St
Aurora, CO 80012

Lowe's, I'm a little worried.  Are you doing okay financially?  Did something weird happen at summer camp that you don't want to talk about?  Well, whatever is going on that currently plagues you, I sincerely hope that it gets resolved soon.  It has become very apparent over the past couple months that your sales floor has remained strong in their "helpfulness" factor, but it would appear that your recruitment team has focused on hiring customer service members from the "Glue, only once! I'm not gonna be like that guy!" program.

As a homeowner it seems that every other weekend is spent at a home improvement store; and as of lately, Lowe's Customer Service Sauce, has been weaker than water.  Lowe's, I like your prices, employee's, convenience of this location; but I promise that you will miss out on a lot of business if you continue employing people that resemble ultimate weak-sauce.

Big Lots : Denver, CO

Big Lots is a pretty vague name for a store that serves such specific shopping needs.   I think it should instead be called "Hoarder Starter Kit Store" or "Really bad birthday present from a friend, Lots" or "Big defective/poorly advertised product that never had a chance in the grocery store, store." Regardless how you personally choose to embrace Big Lots, it is easy to become overwhelmed with the product variety that this store offers.
A couple years ago I bought a bag of chips, called Rap Snacks!  That's right, Rap Snacks, and guess what flavor I purchased?  "Ol Dirty Bastard, Sour Cream and Onion."  That same month, Big Lots also introduced me to an energy drink called Resurrect, which tastes eerily of boiled Ham Water, Club Soda, and something else that I never could put my finger on.  If I had to guess, the secret ingredient is Truck Stop Urinal Mint.  By the way, don't answer "Yes." if I offer you some chips and an energy drink when you come over.
Big Lots is always worth a visit during special occasions, like after you saw a clown at your nephews party, and now you need something that will make you laugh, smile, or just to purchase an item that will broaden your culinary palate.  Thanks for keeping me surprised Big Lots.

Contimuum Skate Shop

 Contunuum Skate Shop

5498 S Parker Rd
Aurora, CO 80015

If you have been tricked into visiting Bed Bath & Beyond (Nap Time) off Parker Rd, there is help; Continuum Skate Shop.  If you don't know how to ride a skateboard it's probably time you learn.  When the Zombie Apocalypse comes, those flesh eating monsters will eventually learn how to sabotage our modes of transportation.  It will start with them huffing all of our gasoline, freebasing our bike tubes, using our Po-Go sticks as sextoys, and so on.   When this happens, you will have wished that you knew how to ride a skateboard.

Regardless if you have been kidnapped and dragged along for a Bed Bath and Beyond curtain mission; or if you need a new toy, go see Continuum.  Support your local economy and go visit Devin and the Colorado based owners of this shop to satisfy all of your fun or survival plans.

P.S. If you spend your money at stores such as Zumiez or B.C.; you have officially supported the worst type of terrorism.  For every dollar you spent at one of these mall infesting skateboard ruining shops, they donate .50 cents to the "Drown a Puppy in a Puddle" foundation.  If you like supporting cute puppies being drowned, by hand, in an irrigation ditch or an above ground pool; got visit Zumiez or B.C.

Alex Auto: Aurora, CO

Alex Auto
3596 Moline St
Aurora, CO 80010


There few things that can cause a great sickness to my stomach.  One of the situations that will cause me to make like a dog who as eaten far too much grass is taking my vehicle into a mechanics shop.  I don't like the idea of someone else treating my vehicle in a way that I would never personally handle it.  Touching it vigorously, letting the Ninja Turtles play seven minutes in heaven in the backseat, telling Chewbacca it's okay to watch "Girls Gone Wild" on his eye-pad, in the trunk!  Or whatever happens to ones car when they abandon it at a garage.

 For those of you who first welcomed me to Yelp for the purpose of documenting the police report involving my SUV being stolen by Mile High Muffler and crashed by the owner while on a drug run.  You folks can especially appreciate my distrust in the automotive repair world.

What I can tell you about Alex Auto is that I trust this man with my car.  For those "worst case" scenarios, where pneumatic tools are required or it is flat out something I personally cannot fix, I take my vehicle to Alex.

Seoul BBQ: Aurora, CO

Seoul BBQ
2080 S Havana St
Aurora, CO 80014

There have only been a hundred or so people who have described this establishment in a much more elegant fashion; so here is a cliff note's version.

1. Food (Pretty important right?)  Fresh quality ingredients = amazing food!
2. It should be restated, the food is incredible, and the beef tongue is excellent!
3.Fast service, great wait staff.
4. Worth a visit.

Church's Chicken: Aurora, CO

Church's Chicken
 2181 S Havana St
Aurora, CO 80014

I love fried chicken and although Church's is not the best bargain in town, they do serve up some magical chicken.  For the price of about $9.00 you can have a tasty box filled with juicy golden fried chicken that will challenge your self control.  If you have had an adult beverage or two, and find yourself in the passenger seat at a Church's drive through, it will take an abundance of self control to avoid eating a piece before you make it to your destination.  For best results, get a 9 piece, a bunch of hot sauce, a hammock or some lawn chairs, and find yourself a nice park.

This is not a date situation unless you have a girlfriend that doesn't exist, and if you're with a buddy, bring the hammock for extra laughs.  Inevitably one of you will get pissed that the other person hasn't given you a turn to use the hammock and there will be a fight for every passersby to enjoy.  Two dudes fighting with chicken greased paws is a lot like watching a cerebral palsy arm wrestling match (with each contestant using their smaller and weaker T-Rex like arm) it's pretty disappointing.

Like any fast food fried chicken option, each has their secret mix of 11 herbs and spices; usually three of the ingredients are always heroin, PCP, and MSG.  Church's has a great blend of seasonings that will choke you out until you enter a shame filled food blackout.

Ace Hardware: Cherry Creek

There will always be a special place in my heart for nearly ever Ace Hardware that's scattered across America.  The differences between stores like Lowe's/Home Depot vs. Ace Hardware are blatantly obvious.  When visiting an Ace Hardware the staff is generally a hell of a lot more friendlily than what you can expect from the competition. Truth be told, the vast majority of the staff at Ace are so helpful, that even if they don't have the advice you need, they'll go out of their way to find someone who does, even if that means sending you to a competitor.

Additionally, you are going to find a lot of specialty products that the larger goliath like efficiency magicians don't offer.  Let's say you're refinishing a wood countertop, Lowe's isn't going to be able to sell you the tools and supplies you need to make this job look proper.  Items such as 1600 grit sand paper, clear finishing wax, a life size poster of Alf (to help you maintain the motivation needed to complete your project), and a jar of specialty salsa, (yes they have salsa in this Ace store, check it out for yourself) are all available at your local Ace Hardware.

Modis: 7887 E Belleview Ave #400, Englewood, CO

Hopefully you have enjoyed the fake reviews Modis has paid a 3^rd party company to write on their behalf.  Modis has done an amazing job of promoting and hiring people who have risen to their level of incompetence.  Pay structure is terrible, management is utterly worthless, and any recruiter with talent has left the organization.  Do your career a favor and stay away from any sales, recruiting, or managerial roles this company has to offer.

Colorado Mountain Jam Review

I’m really terrible at asking for help, even worse; I really excel at failing when it comes to taking the time to say “thank you” via the internet machine for someone going above and beyond their job description.  Today I was given the seeds of inspiration to plant something that would sprout and help another individual. 

Recently I founded a small business and I’ve been searching for a copacker business to work with.  For months I’ve been discussing my business model with copackers on the east coast, flying to visit copacking businesses in California…and through this journey I received only one positive noteworthy experience.  This encounter was with the owner of Colorado Mountain Jam named “Brian.”  He is an incredibly knowledgeable, helpful, patient, and overall great fucking guy.  Today (4/19/15)…he took my call on his personal cell phone during a Sunday afternoon.  That’s right, Sunday! 

I had planned on leaving a cordial voicemail; but instead he took my call and gave over 30 minutes of his time to offer a unique level of expertise that I had yet to receive during my entrepreneurial adventure.

Near as I know, I’ve never tried his products or anything that has been produced by his facility.  However, the next time I’m at a cattle call grocery store, his products will win over all competitors.  If anyone deserves my dollars it is this gentleman and his company.  They support quality ingredients, local business, and encourage new ideas. 

Keep it Goblet Brian....Much Love Parrotsmuggler.com